I just want a simple life and a simple drink.

I was forced to stop at a non-Starbucks chain the other day and faced hipster-like dressed barista and asked if could make Cuban colada. His eyed flickered for a couple of seconds and went on to display the blue scree of death before he started to spout weird names of alleged coffee drinks.

I asked him to show me his smallest cup with was an 8 ouncer, pointed to the espresso machine and told him to brew their darkest coffee as strong as possible, fill that cup halfway and after that just add a squirt of milk or half and half (I know, colada is just a lot of coffee and sugar).

He looked at me like I was asking for the NORAD passwords or why he voted for Bernie twice and tried to figure out my order in his register's screen. I repeated the instructions, slowly so he went on to do it.... and he managed to fuck it up. Only a third of the cup with what passed as a medium-strength brew and equal amounts of half and half which he proceeded to froth.

He then asked me if I wanted caramel or sprinkles or anything extra to which I replied I was planning on just add enough sugar to kill a dozen diabetics standing in a one-block radius.

I add the sugar, stirred and gulped the coffee down. Barista had backed himself in a corner looking at me with fear in his eyes trying to comprehend why I wasn't posing and sipping the drink while munching on a Gluten Free Vegan Chocolate Chip Recycled Brownie.

I believe I saw tears.